These thoughts and writings are from the deepest abundance of my heart. As the heart cries, the finger writes. Word from words, as my heart speaks, yet the movements of my lips stay lock.
(I wrote this a while back... only 3 people have read it.. so .... here it is. )
Some place where i can rest my weary heart, and take refuge. A place of escape, a place of ecstasy. A place where I would not have to fight for my existence but instead, be acknowledged in every way that is possible. Some place where I wouldn't have to stand on the other side of the bridge and look into the distance for you. A place where I wouldn't have to wait and wonder where you were. Some where, where I wouldn't have to hold on to your familiar scent or keep on having to picture you in my memory, but seize your presence. Where I can hold on to you, and put you close to my heart.
A place where you have no limitation and is free to do what ever your heart's desire. To dance to the beat of your own drum. I want to breathe into you, so far into you, I can taste you. I want to look into your eyes, so deep that I can capture your soul. I want to feel you all the time, in so many way that is yet known to my own heart. I want to unravel your body and look inside your soul. I want to feel the warmth of your body laying next to me at night, giving me the heat that I desire. And how your hand fits perfectly onto mine as the spaces between the figure collapse into total darkness. Or how my finger tap your hand twice and like lighting speed, you grab on hold to it. Even for such a short, precious moments, we have steal lifetimes. Everything about you still lingered within me. You always run in my thoughts, and every conversation leads back to you. Do you believe that one can still be lonely even when she's accompanied by a huge crowd? I do, I believe in that because I live in that person. I am that person. I do not seek for attention, but yours. With you, no one and nothing else in this world matters. We would have made the whole world jealous. You and I, we would have gone against the world, and will probably win.
The moon is always so very lonely. It is something that I always look forward to. It was something that I can look at and smile, but now, every full moon and new moon, reminds me of you. I can't bear to look at it. Though, I catch myself stealing glances from it. And every time, this bursting of happiness fulfills me once more. Times with you seems like I've live for eternity, an immortal that is not bounded to just one lifetime, and has no boundaries and no limitation. Sleeping next to you, I never want to see the break of dawn and the sun that chinks through the blinds. I wish I can hold you for a life time. With you, happiness is around me, I feel like I been blessed with the most wonderful thing in this world. To experience the most powerful thing in this world, Love. No. Its not love. It is just a lot like love. No words can define what we were. I want to call you mine, i really wanted to, but you can't make someone like you. You can't make someone see what other people see.
As for me, I liked you whole-heartily, unselfishly. It was from the purest and most genuine part of my little cold black heart. I careless about what other said about you and what your history holds. For once, I did not doubt being with you. For the first time, I would have taken actions and sacrificed my foolish prides and egos. Though my lips wouldn't move, my heart cried in silence. I ask for courage, yet- it is not granted to me. I still can't get over you, but I'm stronger. Whats a girl to do when what is in front of her is a brick wall? I will hold in all these true feelings and not let any emotions leak out from my weary body until I finally give out. Until my blood runs dry and ever fiber in my body cries. I will not let you see me cry.
A good friend ask me what I see in you, and for me to give him reason why I adore you so much. You know, i thought about it all night, and I can not find a reason why I like you. You have soo many flaws that I'm not fond of, but yet, i still like you. I still keep on clinging to something that is totally wrong. Totally unbearable at times. Then I ask myself why? I dont like you for all the right reasons, but instead, it is out of selfishness. You never once appear in my dreams, you only run in thoughts. Its not like, or anything along that line. Its just lust and selfishness. I hate you for stealing the first kiss. I hate you for grabbing a hold of my hand out of the blue. I hate you for showing me a life of happiness. I hate you for teaching me how to actually miss someone, and how it feel to have someone around for a comfort. I hate those arms of yours which holds me. You showed me how to not be lonely. You showed me a better tomorrow, yet, you didn't stay long enough. You left me.
So I guess this is it? When it is all said and done, the heart will cry it all out and move on. Leave my heart to weather and dry. No more salty tear run down my face. No more restless nights thinking about you. Not a worry in my mind of your well being. I honestly dont know what to think. Love, hate, anger, and desire. Which one does define what I feel at the moment? Sometimes I really wish you can see the undying love I hold within me for you, and only you. At one point, maybe from the beginning, you were my fairytale. You were the happily ever after that I thought I will never find. Seems like what we had isn't like a walk in the park. So, good bye to you. I will be fine. I will love again... I'm hopeful.
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